INCHES AND MILES

I recently found this quote:

"If we take care of the inches we will not have to worry about the miles."
...Hartley Coleridge

This quote speaks volumes to me for every corner of my life whether it is the battle to maintain a certain weight, learning to manage my life and house and finances, or figuring out how to live alone yet not be lonely.  My focus must remain on the inches and not on the far off miles.

Hmmm...easier said than done!  It sounds so very simple.  The year 2012 was not a good year but the happenings that made it all traumatic also cushioned the reaction to it all.  Now that I'm well into the year 2013, I'm realizing what the emptiness of losing my dear Donald truly feels like.  The Grief Support Group that I attend has explained to me that the 2nd yr of grieving is often more emotional than the first.  Losing a spouse after many decades of marriage tends to leave the surviving spouse with a subconscious feeling of "Lost In Space".  The realization that you are now facing life, and all it's good and bad, alone with no one to hug or lean on.

As I also learned at GSGroup, no one really understands this unless they have lost a spouse of many years.  We hear a lot of cliches' about our spouse being 'the other half of us' but when you lose this partner of many many years, you really do lose the other half of your existence.  Our love and devotion was an integral part of daily living.  We could give a glance, quirk the corner of our mouth, slightly raise an eyebrow, and know exactly what the other was thinking or feeling.  That kind of sharing, caring, and understanding is now gone.

In recent weeks I have found myself in the realization that I spend many hours of the week hiding from myself.  I really have no idea if this is a type of depression, but I can easily waste an entire day playing computer games simply because I don't want to force myself to do something useful or constructive.  This escape can't continue, I know that, and I know that it's a good thing that I'm coming to this conclusion.  Maybe it's healthy because I believe it's a sign that I'm not in a deep depression, I'm grieving.

Of the 7 stages of grieving, apparently I am in stage 4 which is about depression, reflection and emptiness.  So my inches are adding up and I WILL trudge onward not worrying about the miles.

Abba Father, your love and patience gives me the knowledge that Don is home with You and I am meant to look forward and enjoy my family, friends, and life.  Your presence gives me hope. Amen.


~~~~

Discovering the Home Financial Meaning to Life

or...who in the world enjoys paying bills and organizing household paperwork, or receipts gathered in the course of living, or stacking and filing dozens of medical bills-payment forms-test results and just the general plethora (I love that word) of minutia that comes from merely existing.

(I wrote this a year ago and just noticed it was still in draft form, so now I'm posting it!)
In the weeks following my dear Don's passing, I am slowly trying to get a handle on all of the above.  I  know, I know, it's simple and it's necessary and it's not that big of a deal.  Well, I still don't like doing it regardless.  But I have a plan.  Eventually I will have it all so organized that I won't really have to mess with it more than about 1 hr. a week.

There are those folks living among us that relish watching how many kilowatt hrs they used this month compared to last month, but I'm just not one of them.  There are those who see the importance of knowing how many gallons of gas they bought last year compared to this year.  And, there are even good people that can tell you which store has the cheapest oatmeal and which one has the cheapest laundry soap.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do keep track of sales and specials, and I try to be frugal and make wise thrifty decisions.  After all, a bargain is a good thing.  I also know that it is taking me longer than it really should to get this all organized and in place, but it's a real struggle for me because I don't enjoy this kind of stuff.  I always knew where we were and how things were going, but on a surface overview level and not the nitty-gritty.

Now that I have sufficiently whined this to death, I guess it's time to finalize and move on!  Oh, woe is me...

Father, in your infinite wisdom, guide me to be a good steward that I may better serve your purpose.
Amen.
~~~

03.19.2012

When you hear someone make an offhanded statement about 'life is everchanging' or some other cliche that is suppose to explain Life in a small phrase it actually does come down to just a few words.  Many lives have changed with Donald's passing.  Many people have had their view of their own mortality altered or tweaked just a little.  I'm sure that Don's siblings feel a little different now that they have lost 2 brothers and they are all getting older with each passing day.  There are 3 remaining brothers and 2 remaining sisters that are probably taking stock of themselves, whether in a big way or in just a small thought here and there.

Our two sons will probably look at the whole experience through different eyes.  Our eldest son, Brad, who lives a thousand miles away and who hasn't been able to visit much in the past 12 yrs., will undoubtedly feel a degree of remorse for all the years and memories missed, for as Brad grew older and wiser he wasn't able to gain the joy and wisdom of his dad's experience.  Now, at almost 42, Brad will be aging without that benefit.  Perhaps his in-laws will be able to fill some of that void.

Our younger son, Mark, was able to grow close to his dad both physically and emotionally.  Mark taught his dad that it's okay for a man to 'hug' another man, especially a father and son!  A hard lesson for Don whose father never showed any signs of tenderness or love.  Don and Mark grew quite close over the past 10+ years and enjoyed each other's company a great deal.  Mark has good memories to carry with him as he continues to mature and grow older.

Through Don's beliefs and actions both of our sons have grown into fine men with a real commitment to high integrity; he instilled a strong sense of responsibility to God, family, and country.  Because of Don our sons are hard working family men with a good sense of justice and discernment.  There is no better legacy for a parent to leave the next generation. 

We travel life's highway hoping to to leave a footprint of immortality and through our children we are able to do just that.

~~

03.07.2012

The worst day of my life came last Monday, the 27th, when my darling Donald was called home to be with God  and the family and friends that have gone before.  This was a day that I have dreaded for over a year.  It was a day that I knew was to be expected yet would come unexpectedly.  That may not make sense to most people but it does to me.  The doctor told us early last summer that it would just happen because Don's body would just not be able to go on any longer. 

As I have stated before I started grieving many many months ago and Don, in his ever concerned manner, spent the past 2 months having me call places to verify this or that would be taken care of in the case of his passing.  We both knew this was coming and in the past two weeks Don must have told me 10 times a day "I love you, Sharon".

I'm typing this as tears run down my cheeks, but I feel I have to express these thoughts as an emotional outlet.  This journaling helps those left behind to come to terms with the stress and the loss.
Although the grieving started months ago, I still must deal with the feeling of loneliness and the many decisions yet to be pondered and made.  Don would want me to be strong and determined, but it's hard to think in those terms as he always took care of me and kept me safe. 

As a husband, Don was selfless and hardworking with a strong sense of responsibility.  During our early years of marriage Don had to learn how to be a little mellow and a little less intense eventually becoming the ultimate in consideration and thoughtfulness.  Yet, he always had difficulty with expressing his warmth as he seemed to believe that it was a sign of weakness.  Men didn't hug, men didn't cry, men didn't get pedicures!  I would tease him unmercifully!

I'm smiling now.  We had a wonderful 46 1/2 years of marriage.  We had our ups and downs which means we lived and loved and laughed and I am so glad I met him in San Antonio in 1964.

I love you, Donald.

~~

02.24.12

Each week seems to bring new or different challenges to face and work through.  Don's labs continue to be either too high or too low, with practically none of them registering normal numbers.  He will be retested next week again.  There isn't a current infection in his lungs however, and that's something to be thankful about.

The doc wanted to try Don on Ambien again but after 3 nights I am no longer giving that medication to him.  Don just doesn't tolerate it well so we'll find some other means to induce sleep; maybe just some chamomile tea!  Bodily functions have been an issue and I have had to change his bed linens and pajamas twice this week.  There has been some confusion and some lack of concentration that has me a little concerned.  Appetite has been only fair this week.

I'm starting to actually sleep during my rest time in the afternoon.  Usually, I just relax in the recliner to read or watch some TV during Don's nap but this week I have been dozing for 45 - 60 mins.  My sis, Barbara, calls me a couple of times a week to chat and I usually meet my brother, Richard, and his wife, Kathy, for supper during the week.  Both of these things help me to escape for a short time.  Last weekend Mark and Marcey took me to the dinner theatre and we had a wonderful time.  I am beginning to realize that as Don's health continues to deteriorate I will find the need to call on the hospice volunteers.  When the time comes that Don can't be left alone for a couple of hours, the hospice volunteers will sit-in for me so I can get away to grocery shop or go relax and have some supper with family or friends.

The daily devotion I read on Wednesday talked about Gods need to know we need him.  I think in the past few months I have talked to him many times about just that.  A caregiver can feel so heavily burdened without sharing their need of God with him.  Just the title of 'caregiver' lays a stress on your shoulders.  It's an instant assignment of responsibility and accountability that keeps the mind in constant struggle to balance EVERYTHING.  This little vent will help me to stabilize my personal gyroscope.

~~

02.20.12

This past week has had some indicators that are showing some changes in Don's thought processes and I'm fairly certain it is due to the continuation of the diseases he has to live with.  Once example is his inability to actually grasp the simple workings of the bed control pad.  I have sat with him dozens of times and explained the 4 buttons on the control pad, yet seldom is he able to get the results he's looking for.  It really isn't surprising that the long term effects of chronic anemia which eventually weakens everything, heart failure which results in poor circulation, and bullous emphysema which starves the blood cells for oxygen would start to show some signs of loss of concentration.  For the present, the loss is minimal but, for me, noticeable.

Watching my Donald start to lose a small part of his mental function is so very sad.  I had grown use to his gradual decline in physical abilities but always took some comfort that his mental abilities had not failed him.  I will now, after all these months, be forced to take over the finances 100% and that is one things I don't look forward to doing.  I greatly dislike dealing with that 'stuff'. 

One bright note of last week was our son, Brad, flew in from Maryland for a quick visit.  He hasn't seen Don in quite some time so had no idea what changes had taken place physically.  We had a good visit and Brad was able to attend Don's doctor appointment and talk to the Internist. 

Also, this past week I attended the New Theatre Restaurant with Mark and Marcey.  The show was one of the best I've ever seen at the dinner theater.  And, the upbeat and happy show was just what I needed to end a tiring week.

Getting the house back into some kind of order following the shake-up of moving Don downstairs and setting up a 'sickroom' plus the moving of several pieces to M&M's new home is taking much longer than I expected.  It will have to take a while as I'm trying to plan and organize some issues and I don't want to be handling and moving things anymore than necessary.

It seems that every morning between 3:30 and 5:00 am Don has a spell of coughing that generally lasts 30 to 45 minutes.  When this first started several weeks ago, I would jump right up and try to help with little effect.  Gradually, I've reached a point where I don't get up right away and, sometimes, the spell will be a short one and I can go back to sleep.  This morning was not one of those times.  His coughing started about 4:35, I got up at 5:00.  I found him on top of his blankets, cold, he hadn't tried blowing his nose or drinking some water or changing position.  I was forced to treat him as a child and give him instructions following which he settled back down.  I turned out his lights and set his TV to easy listening music and he went back to sleep.  Guess what?!?!?!  I'm still awake...  And, this is one example of why I'm always praying for patience and strength, patience and strength.

Father, I know that you know how much I love you.  And, I know that you know that I feel safer with you at my side keeping me strong and giving me what is needed to carry through the day.  Bless my family and friends in their endeavors.  Bless Don as he fights this losing battle, as he walks this path, and as he climbs this mountain.  Amen.

~~

Ahhhh...February

The month of February has started off in a hectic state.  Or...maybe I should just say that last week was just horrendous!  Along with the hospice nurse, Diane,  coming on Mondays and Thursdays we have the hospice aide coming on Tuesdays and Fridays to help Don bathe.  The massage therapist, Ginger, is coming on Thursdays also.  And last week we had an obligatory visit from the hospice chaplain, Craig, who visited for a while and decided that since we have a home church and that Don has regular visits from the assoc. pastor, Joe, the chaplain visits would not be necessary unless we needed him for something.  Craig is very considerate and experienced in this hospice/grieving process so it was a comfort to talk with him.

I had to call a plumber because the drain in the basement had backed up at some point and then the debris had dried but I don't go down there very often so didn't know about it until Mark went down for something and told me about it.  The plumber ran a snake through the pipe and pronounced it clear of roots or other 'stuff' and said that it was probably just due to something put down the toilet.  Since I have no idea what Don is flushing that is a definite probability.

Last Monday Don saw the cardiologist who changed some meds around and wants to see him again in 6 wks.  It's a 20 minute visit but the transporting and loading/unloading Don takes about 40 mins round trip.  I'm just thankful that the docs office is only 3 miles away.

The house is just a mess.  Mark and Marcey moved last Saturday, but before that we had to get many things ready for them to pick up for the new house.  The living room/den is full of boxes of books and other things from the wall unit plus a cardioglide and table from the exercise room that is now Don's sickroom.  Don's office upstairs is a mess as we moved some cabinet/shelving downstairs in place of the wall  unit and we also removed a work table that Marcey will use in their garage.  My workroom has several things displaced because they took a large cabinet to the new house, but the things I had in the cabinet are on the floor or in the master bedroom.  Anyway, it will all get sorted eventually and, luckily, I'm not OCD or I'd be committed!

This week is going a little more organized with just the regular hospice visits, no drama or situations.  I was able to clean Don's room yesterday, and got some vacuuming done today.  I also got the toilet seat changed to a sturdy heavy seat in place of the flimsy plastic one that came with the new toilet.  Tomorrow I hope to do some more vacuuming and mop the kitchen floor.  The housework really wears me out; I rarely sleep during the day although I do rest in the recliner while Don naps.  Today, however, I slept for about an hour and that's unusual.

Tomorrow our oldest son, Brad, is visiting for a couple of hours and then flying back home to Maryland.  He hasn't seen Don for 3 years so the change in his health and looks will be somewhat a surprise to Brad, I'm sure. 

Also, tomorrow, Don has an appt. with Dr. Greenfield, our Internist and primary care at 4pm.  I'll have to report that for the past 4 days Don has spent an unusual amount of time sleeping or dozing with a small amount of confusion that comes from being so drowsy.  I don't think the Provigil is doing it's job any longer. 

Father, some days I feel overwhelmed with responsibility and tasks.  Some days I feel I won't be able to get everything done that needs doing.  Knowing that you are next to me, holding me up and toiling with me is what keeps me going.  As Don and I climb this mountain together we both realize that with your love we will have the strength we need.  Amen.

~~

02.01.12

The past few days have been very busy as hospice is now in place.  Don's equipment (hospital bed, bedside commode, oxygen concentrator, liquid oxygen, etc.) all had to be switched from the company w had to the one that is contracted with the hospice organization through Olathe Medical Center.
The hospice nurse, Diana, visited along with the social worker and will be here again tomorrow with the aide, Denise, coming on Friday for the first time to meet Don.  Denise will be coming twice a week to help Don with personal hygiene, skin care, shaving.



Along with this we had some household maintenance that needed taking care of so I hired Joe to install a new railing on the front stoop/porch and to install a new toilet in the utility room.  I really hope that sort of thing doesn't pop up again for a while as I don't want to deal with it right now.  Adjusting to something seems to be our current modus operandi.  I'm hoping that in a week or so the adjustment to hospice will be over and a calm routine will follow.  They're not intrusive at all, however, having people come into the home on various days at various hours can't help but cause a certain amount of unease and uncertainty. 

Don's pain is sometimes at the 1 to 2 level and rarely hits 3 now and that's just wonderful since I have cut way back on his pain medication.  He's tolerating the respiratory treatments pretty well.  I have built a listing of Don's meds on the computer, showing the times and doses along with identifying the ones bought by hospice/medicare and those that I have to buy through BC/BS.  Getting and staying organized is going to be necessary for my own mental health! 

Last night Don rang the bell by his bed at 3:00 am to let me know that he felt like he was catching a cold.  Egad!  Since that's not something he does often, I just let him know that I'll keep an eye on this vital signs and temperature.   I'm finding it really hard to fall asleep at nap time; hospice advised me to take a nap when Don takes one but at least I'm putting my feet up and relaxing.  Today I picked up a DVD at the library that I'll use to start a walking program; we'll see how that goes. 

Now I have to start emptying cabinets and getting things in order that Mark and Marcey are going to take to their new home.  I'm so happy that they want it and can use it.  I'm gradually taking out things that are true junk and putting it in the trash.  And...I'm going to try to have a garage sale in April, with the help of my sister Barbara, and try to sell a lot of the odds-and-ends that we have accumulated over the past 46 years.

Lord, I talked to you this afternoon and thanked you for continuing to instill the patience and strength that I need to continue.  My pledge to love and honor in sickness and in health till death do us part is planted deep in my soul and I know that you, Father, will help me carry out that promise with a smile and a warm heart.  Lord, bless my family and keep them safe.  Amen.

~~ 

1.27.12

This morning I had to run some errands and visit the chiropractor for a treatment on the lower back.  I've been wanting to take a walk on the nice days but I know that it just wouldn't be a pain free exercise.  One of the mental health issues for caregivers is getting enough fresh air and the quiet movement that accompanies a walk around the block.

The hospice nurse came this afternoon.  She spent about an hour with us going over the services and benefits and answered the few questions we had written down in the past couple of days.  They take over ordering all of Don's medications that are connected to his pain and heart failure which is just about everything, so that is one headache that I won't have to worry about.  Hospice will send a patient aide to the house twice a week to assist Don with personal hygiene; bathing, shaving, hair cleansing.  The chaplain will visit one time to assess any spiritual needs and there is a social worker available as well as a dietitian.  The nurse will come twice a week.  They will be changing out all of his medical equipment with the company they are contracted with and that is something I think is probably a good thing as there will be distinct accountability.  Among other things they are going to get him an air mattress that 'flows', which will help prevent bed sores.  Don is not confined to bed but he spends most of his day in the bed.

As Don's health declines there are hospice volunteers available that will come and be with Don so I can get away for errands, appointments, etc.  That isn't needed at present but it is a relief to know that it will be there when it becomes necessary.

The nurse was so very compassionate yet professional and made us feel comfortable right away.  We had reservations about the possible feeling of 'intrusion' in our lives but I can see that these good folks will be a blessing in our lives.

Father, as our lives change and our dreams diminish, we now that the one constant that remains there as a beacon is your love for us.  Please bless those that have been sent to help us cope with these changes.
Amen.

~

1.25.12

It has been quite a while since I've been able to do any journaling here as Don was in the hospital for 11 days.  He is having a very hard time both physically and emotionally.  He is noticeably weaker and is fighting a vague pain in his mid-left back, his cough remain fierce and very productive, his heart has weakened since his last hospitalization in October.  When this is all added to the fact that we have setup a sickroom downstairs just off the kitchen, which includes a hospital bed, well...it's just hard for my poor Don to absorb and maintain a smile.  But, by golly, he's doing his best to project a positive attitude and stay upbeat.

We made the decision this week to accept the recommendation of our doctor and bring in hospice services.  We haven't met with them yet, as they were just notified by the nurse today but will be calling tomorrow or Friday.  We have questions for them, but I'm in hopes that they may have some innovative ways for Don's care to be completed more efficiently and perhaps they will have something to add to what we have already setup.

Tomorrow someone is coming to the house to cut Don's hair and treat his scalp.  The mans name is O.G. and he cuts my hair also.  He has given me some tips on setting up for tomorrow, but the main point is that Don will get his hair cut.  Today, the assoc. pastor visited and I was somewhat surprised at the questions Don asked about lifetime choices and personal changes since his teen years.  I'm so happy that he feels comfortable and at ease with Joe and feels he is able to shed any burdens he feels he is carrying.

I am feeling pressure more and more.  I can't afford to hire someone to clean the house but I may have to do it anyway.  There just is no time for that activity and, I'm sorry to say, there just is not enough energy left for that activity.  Being a caregiver is a huge strain on the psyche as well as the body.

May the Lord bless thee and me.  May He continue to embrace us during our trials.  We must remember to trust in Lord and know that He will protect us, encourage us, keep us safe.  Our fears will be set aside and gladness will be our memories.  Amen.

~

01.06.12

Well...this has been a difficult week as Don is retaining fluid, his cough is more pronounced, and he has an ache-type pain around his diaphragm and mid back near the bottom of the shoulder blade(scapula).  The doctor has increased his diuretic again in hopes that the fluid will drain away, but after 3 days Don has only lost about 1.5 lbs.  This all causes him to be a little weaker and often needs some assistance getting out of bed or up from a chair.

It's so very hard to think up menu items that he will like, that is low sodium, and that's a little different from his usual fare, plus needs to have a high calorie count.  As a rule, I fix something that will go with my Weight Watchers and then add enough to just his portion for a higher calorie count; sometimes that amounts to bread and butter or even just a dessert.  Don's tastes are changing, or maybe it's my tastes that are changing.  Whichever it is, I'm finding that more and more things that I really enjoy are things that Don doesn't want, can't tolerate, or just doesn't appeal.  One more hurdle to get over.

It took all day today to get his bedding washed, dried, and reset along with getting him washed up, oiled down, and clean pajamas.  Along with the meals that was the complete day!  ugh!

I weighed myself Thursday for the first time in 4 weeks.  I didn't see any reason to weigh myself during the holidays and then get frustrated so I waited.  I am only 2 lbs. over my lowest from 4 weeks ago and that's wonderful news.  Now, it's time to get rid of the 2 lbs. then lose some more beyond that.

Thursday morning I went to Walmart to get a few things and decided to browse through the grocery section to see what they had to offer.  Well...they have some things that the grocery stores don't i.e. Starkist low sodium albacore tuna, cases of 8/6oz. Yoplait yogurts that Don and I both eat daily, a much wider selection of Progresso Reduced Sodium soups, puffed brown rice cereal(salt free).  I try not to buy groceries from the great evil empire, but it just can't be helped when they have these wonderful things that I need for health reasons.

Last evening I went to The Legends area with my brother and sister-in-law.  They needed to go to the Nike store and then we went to Bob Evans for supper.  They enjoyed a breakfast and I had a salad.  It was a good outing and got me out for a couple of hours.  Tomorrow night I'll be going to the dinner theatre with Mark and Marcey and I'm looking forward to that as we always enjoy the show and our time together.  Don doesn't go any longer since he can't sit there for 3+ hours and that's so sad since it was one of his favorite things.

Time passes and lifetime plans get changed whether we want it or not.  If we turn to God and seek his reassurance, love, and protection we can deal with these changes and dilemmas.  I read a wonderful phrase:
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, Love leaves a memory no one can steal.  Amen to that.

~~

12.29.11

It's been a fairly busy week and 2011 is almost at an end.  It hasn't been a very good year for Don and me.  His health has taken a turn that started a few years ago, but in the past 8 months has accelerated greatly.  The doctor increased his diuretic a few days ago and it has made no change in Don's weight.  I called in a report today and the nurse called to let me know that I'm to continue as prescribed.  Yesterday was a very bad day for Don but today he feels more like his 'normal'.

Three years ago when I retired we had such dreams.  We made a list of things we wanted to do as we grew older together.  That has all changed dramatically!  Obviously, we should never take good health and old age for granted.  The whole situation has been quite a wake-up for me.  At times like this, I have found that it is taking some self-analysis and goal-setting. 

While my own health has to come first for me, I know that everything is done in order to better care for Don.  I'm still trying to work my way through organizational thoughts regarding integrating Don's daily needs with my own.  Don's meal have to stay on a schedule that allows only 'some' leeway or he won't eat enough nutritional food.  I'm not able to give him snacks because then he only picks at the next meal.
Don has to be urged to drink enough water and with the high dose of diuretic it's vital.

The past few months have shown me that a certain amount of  "me" time is a necessity to allow me to stay patient with Don's needs.  I talk to God at various times during the day; sometimes just a little mention and other times it's a monologue!  But He knows me and He helps me through my days.  Don's days must be boring for him as he is in bed most of the day except for meals.  Sitting up increases his shortness of breath and wears him down. 

Maybe the New Year of 2012 will bring some brightness into our lives.

~

12.23.11

Today is a prep day for the coming holiday weekend so I'm straightening up the house, finished wrapping the last couple of gifts, done the preliminary preps for the potato salad, reviewed the list of foods I'm to prepare.  The snow didn't materialize so we won't have a white Christmas and that's kind of sad; I do love snow.

Heather, the nurse, called to tell me that Don's labs were all just a tad low but that it's not low enough for the doctor to be concerned.  She is to call me back to let me know if Don should continue taking 2 diuretic tablets or drop back to the one.  I gave Don a scalp treatment and it's now in very good condition. He had a nice short haircut which makes it easier for me to take care of on a regular basis.

I haven't weighed myself for about 3 weeks.  I'm actually afraid to because I'm pretty sure I've gained back 3-4 lbs.  I'll have to be careful for the next 3 days and then get back on my regimen.

This evening Mark and Marcey are picking us up and we're going to drive around to look at some of the wonderful light displays.  Don doesn't like to get out anymore, it's so hard on him, but he is looking forward to this evening.  We're also going to take him to the Christmas Eve service at 6pm.  It will be easier on him since I got him the wheelchair.  He won't want to leave the house for a week or more after this weekend.

Father God, thank you for sending us your Son to show us the new covenant and bring us into your shelter.  We celebrate your gift to the world and know that this sign was to tell us how much we are loved.  Amen.

~

12.19.11

The weather today is one of those days that makes you want to just 'hunker down'; damp, dark clouds, rainy, windy.  hmmmmmm.

I was out this morning getting povatica for Christmas and my sister, Barbara, wanted me to pick up one for her also.  Then I went to Apria to get a wheelchair for Don but they said that since all of our other equipment (oxygen, bipap, etc.) was through MobilMedcare that I should go to them.  So I did.
MobilMedcare was very helpful and found a wheelchair that is strong and sturdy, but also light enough that with a heave-ho I can get it into the back of the van.  It is heavier than what I was hoping, but will be a much better fit for the use that is needed.

Today Don weighed 128.2 lbs.  I called the doctor because I was somewhat concerned that Don had gained 8 lbs. in 4 weeks and considering that he went over a year losing weight and got down as low as 119 lbs. it could be a problem.  Krista, the nurse, called back to tell me that Dr. Greenfield wants Don to have labs done on Thursday and that I am to give him an extra diuretic tablet each day, starting today, until the lab results come back.  The results will probably be back to the office on Friday.  Don feels basically the same but is getting a little puffy in the cheeks.  Just another issue to deal with.

Mark and Marcey have baked all kinds of goodies and then brought a bunch of it over here along with a 3 lb. box of Sees chocolates!!  They're leaving all of this here!!  There goes Weight Watchers.  I mean, all of a sudden, my will power has disappeared and I have a sweet tooth like never before.  Not good.

I'm hoping to get some gifts wrapped this evening.  In the past it's something that never was done till the last minute and I do so want to get it done ahead of time this year. 

Father in Heaven, we turn to you for our needs and wants.  Sometimes we even ask for the impossible believing that some genie power will divine our desires.  We often forget to give you the thanks and the praise that should follow receiving your love and blessings.  We forget that you are with us to support and strengthen, to encourage and to endure and be constant.  Amen.

~

12.16.11

Time is getting short before Christmas will be here.  Although I realize we don't really know the exact date that Jesus was born, but it is nice that, this year, we're celebrating His birth on a Sunday.  It seems to give it something special.  I didn't do much in the way of decorating or preparation.  I am going to make a pound cake tomorrow that will hold for 2-3 weeks if kept in an airtight container.  I enjoy a good pound cake and it can be served with a variety of toppings; whipped cream, fruit, ice cream, hard sauce.  I've even heard of it being used to make french toast and that would be very high calorie!

As I recall I was going to try to catch the jeweler at the sale to have a battery put in my watch.  Well, I didn't get there and now can't find my watch anywhere.  For the first time ever, I shopped at a thrift store for CLOTHING!  I know...but I found a really nice Eddie Bauer medium weight knit cardigan with pearl snaps for a mere $5.99.  I think I made a good buy.

Don has been eating really well and has put on 7 lbs. in the past month.  Of course, it's Prednisone weight, but still his face looks a little fuller and has lost most of that 'refugee' gauntness.  He needs a haircut so I will take him next week. 
This is a list of what he ate just today!
1 serving of oatmeal with milk and sugar and cinnamon.
2 pcs of buttered toast
1 apple sliced and peeled
1 yogurt cup
8-10 Ritz crackers
2 TBS pineapple cream cheese
1 banana
potato chips
2 bottles of Ensure
2 KitKats
1 1/2 cups of turkey taco meat
1 medium potato
2 more pcs buttered toast
3/4 C applesauce

That is a LOT of food!!  His appetite is doing well and sometimes he even asks for some ice cream or cookies, etc.

Don is all setup with his own DVR box upstairs so now he can choose from a huge amount of channels or can just listen to music, which he enjoys quite a bit.  Since he spends 90% of his time upstairs this will make it a little more enjoyable. 

Lord, grant us joy and peace during this time of celebration and rejoicing.  Let us know that this is the reason for our living and eventually meeting you.  As each day passes, I know that you are supporting my thoughts and difficult decisions.  We talk during the day, and at quiet times I feel a sense of your strength.  Bless my family with that strength and support.  Amen

12.05.11

The winter weather is becoming more and more prevalent with temps in the 30's all this week.  I don't mind the winter, I like it actually.  The problem is that I'm just not ready for it this year; the yard hasn't been winterized, I am forced to rethink an exercise regimen, and some chores I wanted done before winter just haven't been done.  Ugh!

We tried reducing Don's Prednisone to 5mg. but will have to put him back up to 10mg. tomorrow as the drop in dosage effects his breathing/coughing too much.  He's been eating very well and asking for food which is unusual.  Don's activity level hasn't changed and sometimes he actually balks at a suggestion that he do this or that.  We'll just see how that goes for a while and we may have to have a 'heart to heart' chitchat.

I hope it warms up a little this week so I can get out to my bird feeders as they need to be cleaned and filled for the winter.  I do enjoy watching my birds.  I find it to be very relaxing and uplifting.  Gods tiny creatures busy living another day.  This past week I have missed Skeeter more than I have in several months.  Again, I think it's probably the onset of winter. 

In the past few months I have been trying to let my hair grow out to about midway to my shoulders.  Well...that just isn't going to work.  I don't have the patience to mess with my hair so tomorrow I'm getting it cut back to the short look I've had for a few years now.  It's easy and quick, and usually looks pretty nice.  The only other option is a perm and I don't want to start that whole expensive routine!

This week I have set myself some 'goals' to get done.  Tomorrow Don sees the cardio doctor so while we're out I will get some errands done.  Don will get too tired rather quickly so I'll have to pick the most pressing ones to do first.  Wednesday is the day Joe visits Don, and the Medical Center volunteers are having a jewelry sale that I may visit because a jeweler donates his time and replaces watch batteries which I desperately need. 

Lord, your presence gives me solace and, at the same time, strength.  I ask your special blessings on my family that they may stay loving and healthy and hold onto their integrity.  Please continue to embrace my soul.  Amen.

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11.28.11

Well, Thanksgiving weekend has ended and today is known as "Cyber Monday" and, yes, I did do some online shopping today.  Sometimes it's the best and easiest way to find a variety of what you're looking for and it's so much easier to compare prices.  I was able to get the same thing on Amazon that the company offered and it was probably about 30% cheaper at Amazon.

Don has eaten really well all weekend; mostly leftovers from Thanksgiving, but he ate well nonetheless.
Sunday I fixed stuffed butterfly pork chops using the leftover stuffing.  With that I served the leftover mashed potatoes and the sweet potato/pineapple dish.  It was a great dinner.

I've decided I'm going to get a Rx from the doctor for a 'transport' wheelchair.  It gets to be a hassle trying to organize a wheelchair when we go to the doctors office or last week when we visited the VFW headquarters.  Also, I think I can talk Don into attending church if he knows he doesn't have to walk the distance.  Church, with travel time, is only about 1 1/4 hrs. and it would be really good for Don to attend once in a while.  Of course, that's my opinion and he may not agree. 

Mark and Marcey brought the Christmas tree up from the basement storage and set it up for us.  I've just barely started decorating it but will continue to add ornaments during the week. 

It's hard to get enthused about Christmas.  I won't be able to attend activities with Don and that definitely sucks much of the light out of any occasion.  Bless his heart, he is trying so hard to be of some help to me, even in tiny little ways.  His next assignment is the Christmas cards; I've asked him to take care of that and he said he would.

Father, as my refuge, I know you will be my shield and will keep me safe.  Your love for me never wanes and my love for you matures with each passing day.  Please lay your blessings on my family that they may prosper and be healthy.  Amen.

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Thanksgiving week

What an interesting week.  I mailed my first eBay sale to the buyer and I must say the whole experience was like treading new territory.  Kind of scary and kind of exciting while at the back of my mind I keep hoping I'm doing everything correctly!  I've told myself that after doing it a few times there won't be any more stress related to a sale. I hope...I hope.

Had to run some errands and I'm still trying to finish cleaning Don's bedroom and bathroom.  At the rate it's going it will be about another week because of the other things that need to be done.  Today I had to drive to Kansas City, Mo to drop off some papers at the VFW Hdqrs. and then on the way home, stop at The Old Country Bakery to buy 3 loaves of povatica.  That whole outing took about 2 hrs.  When we got home we found that the house was still too cool so I checked the furnace, and, yes, I had to call the service man.  After cleaning and testing a new part had to be installed and this stuff just isn't cheap!

Tomorrow I have to get my second package ready to be mailed.  While I'm out to the post office I need to stop and get a couple of bags of ice.  When I get home Don wants to go over the bills to make sure that I took care of everything.  I think he needs this for a few months so he feels needed and still a participant.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll at least be able to finish the vacuuming in his room.

My DSIL, Kathy, gave me this at dinner on Monday night and I think it's very good.  It's part of an article about caregivers by Jari H. Buck.
S - Support system:friends, family, healthy people
T - Talk:self-talk, conversations with others
R - Rest, relaxation:practice deep breathing and visualization
E - Exercise:do something physical to relieve tension
S - Self-care
S - Stay in the present:avoid "what if" worries

I'm going to post this on my refrigerator as my reminder.  Caregiver stress is so very real and if an escape(s) isn't found it will consume the caregiver.

Lord, I thank You for your patience and love.  I thank You for the blessings I've been given.  I know You are aware of my devotion to You and my desire to mature in Your teachings.  Please increase my blessings so I may be of better service to You and my family.  Amen.

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11.14.11

It's amazing how sometimes "things" just keep happening.  A few days of calm and without drama or unusual concerns would be so very welcome.  Some folks might feel that's kind of boring but, believe me when I say that a few uneventful days would be a blessing.

Friday was Veterans Day so I went to HyVee for their 'thank you' breakfast for veterans and then did my grocery shopping for the weekend.  Don's cell phone broke so then it was off to the Verizon store to get him a new phone.
Thank goodness he didn't have a lot of contacts in his phone.  I'm going to need one soon, but I have about 50 or more contacts so I'm hoping the store will be able to transfer the info.  My DDIL, Marcey, told me that I can go online to Verizon and they will backup my contacts; I need to look into that.

Marks birthday was Sunday and he and Marcey came over for the Chiefs game and tacos.  Marcey brought a chocolate birthday cake.  It was a good afternoon and we always enjoy being with them.

This morning my computer gave me a lot of trouble and I was so afraid I was going to be forced to get a new one, but, eventually I got it to boot to the desktop and it wouldn't go anywhere else.  I called Comcast and they handled everything.  It took them almost 2 hrs. but they got it all straightened out; apparently it had something to do with a new upgrade version of Norton that is through Comcast.  Anyway, it's all okay now and what a relief!

I've put 4 more items on EBay.  The money I make on line will be saved and used to take care of things around the house. 

We had tilapia with a butter caper sauce for supper and it was delicious; Don cleaned his plate!  Hurray!  We also had buttered potatoes and peas.  He had a piece of chocolate cake for dessert. (And...my potatoes were not buttered!)

I think tomorrow I'll have to get some errands done then there shouldn't be anything else for the rest of the week.  I hope.

Lord, I thank you for the help and goodness of others and for the care and love that my son and daughter give to us.  I thank you for the things that make it easier to take care of Don and that help me to stay halfway organized.  You embrace us and shield us.  Amen.

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11.9.11

Yesterday morning was mostly taken up by visiting the Toyota dealer for the routine 5,000 mi. check on our car.  Before leaving I had to pick up some branches that fell during the wind overnight, also checked the downspouts to make sure they were angled and extended correctly.  One of the downspout extensions was not attached.  It wasn't long before the rain started so I was glad I got that tended to.

This morning we had an appointment at the VFW in downtown Kansas City, Mo., about 20 miles on the interstate.  I really don't like that drive but it was necessary as the VFW representative is filing a claim, on Don's behalf, with the VA.  So, between getting myself and Don ready for the outing, the trip itself, and then home again in time to fix, eat, and cleanup lunch, that left about 2 hrs. for rest, logging in my Weight Watchers food, checking emails before doing some laundry, handling the mail, and starting supper.

I have talked to a couple of other caregivers and their biggest issue is that they seem to feel so tired so often.  I, too, feel always under pressure to organize something, check on something, clean something, schedule something, etc.
I'm fairly certain this is why caregivers have a main complaint of 'tiredness'.

Tomorrow may be productive because there is nothing actually scheduled! yeah!  I have made a list of immediate things to take care of tomorrow so that will help because I won't feel like I'm floundering.  Don said he wanted to help me but, of course, he can't.  There is nothing on the list that he could deal with, but he has such a good heart and if I can find some little thing it will make him feel useful.  I'll work on that...(just a thought-by saying that I'm putting unnecessary pressure on myself)

  Father...I talked to you during my day and let you know how I'm faring with all of this and then I feel like you are smiling and nodding in understanding.  You are always there to take my hand and stroke my brow and whisper words of patience and love.  Please continue.  Amen...

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