"If we take care of the inches we will not have to worry about the miles."
...Hartley Coleridge
This quote speaks volumes to me for every corner of my life whether it is the battle to maintain a certain weight, learning to manage my life and house and finances, or figuring out how to live alone yet not be lonely. My focus must remain on the inches and not on the far off miles.
Hmmm...easier said than done! It sounds so very simple. The year 2012 was not a good year but the happenings that made it all traumatic also cushioned the reaction to it all. Now that I'm well into the year 2013, I'm realizing what the emptiness of losing my dear Donald truly feels like. The Grief Support Group that I attend has explained to me that the 2nd yr of grieving is often more emotional than the first. Losing a spouse after many decades of marriage tends to leave the surviving spouse with a subconscious feeling of "Lost In Space". The realization that you are now facing life, and all it's good and bad, alone with no one to hug or lean on.
As I also learned at GSGroup, no one really understands this unless they have lost a spouse of many years. We hear a lot of cliches' about our spouse being 'the other half of us' but when you lose this partner of many many years, you really do lose the other half of your existence. Our love and devotion was an integral part of daily living. We could give a glance, quirk the corner of our mouth, slightly raise an eyebrow, and know exactly what the other was thinking or feeling. That kind of sharing, caring, and understanding is now gone.
In recent weeks I have found myself in the realization that I spend many hours of the week hiding from myself. I really have no idea if this is a type of depression, but I can easily waste an entire day playing computer games simply because I don't want to force myself to do something useful or constructive. This escape can't continue, I know that, and I know that it's a good thing that I'm coming to this conclusion. Maybe it's healthy because I believe it's a sign that I'm not in a deep depression, I'm grieving.
Of the 7 stages of grieving, apparently I am in stage 4 which is about depression, reflection and emptiness. So my inches are adding up and I WILL trudge onward not worrying about the miles.
Abba Father, your love and patience gives me the knowledge that Don is home with You and I am meant to look forward and enjoy my family, friends, and life. Your presence gives me hope. Amen.
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