INCHES AND MILES

I recently found this quote:

"If we take care of the inches we will not have to worry about the miles."
...Hartley Coleridge

This quote speaks volumes to me for every corner of my life whether it is the battle to maintain a certain weight, learning to manage my life and house and finances, or figuring out how to live alone yet not be lonely.  My focus must remain on the inches and not on the far off miles.

Hmmm...easier said than done!  It sounds so very simple.  The year 2012 was not a good year but the happenings that made it all traumatic also cushioned the reaction to it all.  Now that I'm well into the year 2013, I'm realizing what the emptiness of losing my dear Donald truly feels like.  The Grief Support Group that I attend has explained to me that the 2nd yr of grieving is often more emotional than the first.  Losing a spouse after many decades of marriage tends to leave the surviving spouse with a subconscious feeling of "Lost In Space".  The realization that you are now facing life, and all it's good and bad, alone with no one to hug or lean on.

As I also learned at GSGroup, no one really understands this unless they have lost a spouse of many years.  We hear a lot of cliches' about our spouse being 'the other half of us' but when you lose this partner of many many years, you really do lose the other half of your existence.  Our love and devotion was an integral part of daily living.  We could give a glance, quirk the corner of our mouth, slightly raise an eyebrow, and know exactly what the other was thinking or feeling.  That kind of sharing, caring, and understanding is now gone.

In recent weeks I have found myself in the realization that I spend many hours of the week hiding from myself.  I really have no idea if this is a type of depression, but I can easily waste an entire day playing computer games simply because I don't want to force myself to do something useful or constructive.  This escape can't continue, I know that, and I know that it's a good thing that I'm coming to this conclusion.  Maybe it's healthy because I believe it's a sign that I'm not in a deep depression, I'm grieving.

Of the 7 stages of grieving, apparently I am in stage 4 which is about depression, reflection and emptiness.  So my inches are adding up and I WILL trudge onward not worrying about the miles.

Abba Father, your love and patience gives me the knowledge that Don is home with You and I am meant to look forward and enjoy my family, friends, and life.  Your presence gives me hope. Amen.


~~~~

The End of a Stressful Year

This has been the worst year of my life.  Last winter I watched my darling Donald deteriorate and wither away to a mere shell of the strong active man that I was married to for 46 years.  Although he had been suffering for a few years, the actual decline didn't become so blatantly obvious until the summer of 2010.

Last winter Don was placed on hospice care and the nurses and therapists were so very caring and gentle.  One member of the team was here each day to assess his status, give a neck and back massage, help him to bath twice a week, or just visit to find out if he needed spiritual assistance.

Don passes the end of February 2012.  Two weeks later I had my annual CT scan to check my liver since I had liver cancer in 2007.  That afternoon I received the call that every cancer survivor dreads to get.  My liver had a new, albeit small, tumor.  I spent the next 5 months seeing specialists, have procedures done, getting several lab tests to check the progress of the tumor and the procedures. 
Finally, on August 14th I had the surgery to remove the tumor.  Two weeks later I was back in the hospital for 7 days with severe vomitting and diarrhea, tests were done but no cause was found.   Three weeks later I was, once again, hospitalized due to vomitting and diarrhea but this time a positive result was received for C-diff intestinal bacterial infection.  Apparently, I had acquired the bacteria during my surgical hospitalization.

This left my exceedingly weak, no appetite with a 25 lb. weight loss.  I have been sent to PT for strengthening excercises and evaluation because my right leg was much weaker than my left leg.
At this point I am feeling much better, my strength is returning.  Sad to say, so is my appetite!!

I am sure that, for the rest of my life, there will not be a year with so much stress, so much crying, or so much emoional self-diagnosing.  This is the Christmas season and I am trying to not think about it any more than is necessary or I will be a blubbering mental case!

This blog may be one of the outlets that will help me to get on with my life.  My Don would insist that I work at moving forward and staying active.

A Little Frown Today

Last Friday, the 29th of June, I went to see Dr. Forster, the Hepatic Surgeon at KU Cancer Center.  The news was good and bad.  My surgery is scheduled for Aug. 14th but there was a discussion that had to take place first between Dr. Forster and Dr. Lemons, the Intervention Radiologist.  Along with the tumor that showed up well on the CT Scan, Dr. Forster was a little concerned about a rather large shaded area that was undefined.  Therefore, Dr. Forster intended to talk to Dr. Lemons regarding this shady area to get an impression regarding identification.

About 2 hrs. ago I called Dr. Forster's office to find out the result of the discussion.  The nurse picked up and answered, I gave my name and proceeded to explain why I was calling.  She immediately interrupted me to say that she knew who I was and that she was in the process of scheduling a special CT Scan.  She told me the name of the scan but I don't remember it now because my mind immediately flew to all sorts of bad scenarios.  This has me very nervous. 

I have worked hard to put a positive spin on all that's going on.  The new tumor is quite small so it was fairly easy to tell myself that this will be another chapter but can be dealt with and then I can move on to the future.  Now, I'm scared.  That shading shouldn't be there, and it wasn't there in the April scan.  Although I know that I shouldn't dwell on this one thing, it's really hard to do otherwise.

~~

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, All fear is gone.

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living just because He lives.

Amen

Procedure Worked!

   Last week I saw Dr. Williamson, oncologist, to get the results of the liver tumor embolization.  I had some labs done and a CT scan a couple of days prior to the appointment.  The report was good and apparently the chemo inserted near the tumor did what it was suppose to do, which means I see the surgeon this Friday.  Dr. Forster did my first liver surgery and will be doing this one, also.  I'm really hoping that my surgery is as soon as possible.  I want to get this over with.

   Dr. Williamson called yesterday to tell me that an MRI was needed.  I'm afraid I got emotional when I heard this as I'm extremely afraid of doing an MRI.  It may seem strange to some people but my claustrophobia became worse when during the last MRI, a few years ago, I came out of the sedative prior to the MRI being finished.  The technician and the nurse would not let me out of the machine because the test was almost over and I absolutely freaked.  Now, just the possibility of an MRI gives me nightmares.

   But, as mentioned several days ago, life does go on.  Today my new clothes dryer was delivered.  It works well but makes more noise than my old one did.  I'll have to talk to the store about this issue.  The weather is so hot and dry that I'm trying to get errands done early in the mornings.  Last Friday I bought two rolls of sod to lay in a spot that is eroding near the steps, but trying to keep them watered in this heat isn't easy.  The hot dry weather just sucks the moisture.

   Today I finally made a list of all the 'projects' that need to be done around the house.  It was a necessity because I kept thinking of things that needed attention but then moved on to something else.
The one thing I didn't do is prioritize the list.  I don't know if I really want to do that because I tend to work on things as I'm in the mood. 

   This past Saturday, Mark and Marcey came over early in the morning and we cleaned and sorted the garage!  What a task!  Well, I say we but I really think they did the bulk of the actual work.  My trash bin was so heavy that Marcey came by on her way home from work to take the bin out to the curb for Tuesday track pickup.  But, the garage has much more open space and is the cleanest it's been in 12 years.

   Friday will be busy.  Along with seeing the surgeon, my sister, Barbara, will be here for a while and then in the evening my son, Brad, and his family will arrive from Maryland.  On Saturday they will drive to Branson for a few days and then back to my house for a couple of days before heading back to the east coast. 

   So, as we each have our own issues, concerns, problems that we have to deal with we also know that there are those that we love and those that love us.  It helps to get through the issues and concerns and problems.

Father, we love you for you constancy.  We look to you as our teacher, our healer.  Please bless my family and increase their gifts.  Amen.

Life Does Move On

There is no longer a need for my Caregivers Journal although the cancer of years past has reared it's ugly head.  The liver cancer has returned and, at least, it's quite small this time.  In 2007, a tumor was removed from my liver that was about 10cm x 6cm x 4cm, which was quite large.  The current one is about 1 1/2cm diameter.  But, just the reappearance, albeit small, is something that each and every cancer survivor dreads and fears. 

Some of the friends I've made through the Cancer Support Group that I attended had 2,3 and even 4 bouts with recurring cancers and not all of them were the same or in the same area of the body.  I use the term reappearance but don't know if it's the same cells as prior or if it's new malignant cells.  My oncologist, Dr. Williamson (Dr.W) at Kansas University Medical Center (KUMC), said they won't know that until it is removed and pathology is done.

I will probably be posting now and then under the heading of Cancer Survivor so that I'm able to journal the happenings as they occur.  Much has been done already which I will post in the next few days.  My family has been very supportive.  Now that I am alone some of the family members have accompanied me to the actual doctor appointments or procedures.  I have driven myself to KUMC for simple things like labs and CT scans.

My church is also very supportive and the prayer warriors there are hard at work.  I'm ending with the following verse from my favorite hymn.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

Because He lives, All fear is gone.

Because I know He holds the future,

And life is worth the living just because He lives.