Looking For The Moon

This morning, at church, the pastor quoted a Japanese poem.  Of course he didn't give the name which is just as well, since I wouldn't be able to spell it.  There were just two lines and they are so very profound.

"The barn burned down,
Now I can see the moon."

I have not been able to get this out of my mind since I heard it many hours ago.  Through our lifetime, we all will have a barn burn down and, hopefully, only a very few. 



Have you had a 'barn' burn down?  A child that died? Loss of sight?  Cancer?  Devastating circumstances are hard to deal with at the time and hard to get through. 

I'm accepting that the interpretation is that the positive person, the person that accepts God's loving peace, will see that though the barn is gone, the moon is there for you to enjoy the wonderment of life.  This is also giving the answer that I am not that person.  I am still looking to see the moon behind the cloud cover. 

Since Don passed away 26 months ago, and since I don't see the moon, then I realize that I am either not cooperating or I'm just lost.  Surely if I recognize this dilemma I should be able to rectify the problem.  I will introduce this topic at the next support group get together to hope for some insight into what and how others deal with in this question. 

My barn burned down but I'm still wading through the debris.  My goal is to find the reason to look up at the moon.

Lord, I find that I am not fully trusting in your goodness and mercey.  Help me to know where to turn and how to move forward.  Amen.

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Widow's Christmas

The support group I participate with always stresses the idea that each person grieves in their own way and at their own pace.  I do understand that and I absolutely agree with the theory of the thought and the reality of it, as well.  Many in our group are talking about their loved one that died 4, 6, 9 years ago, and their insight is actually very helpful.

When my Don died in February, 2012, my whole grief process was, practically speaking, put on hold because 3 weeks later I had my second cancer diagnosis.  The next several months were filled with tests, exams, procedures, and doctor's visits along with getting financial issues taken care following Don's passing.  The surgery was in August, followed by 3 more hospitalizations with C-Diff that left me extremely weak and anemic.  All of these 'happenings' actually left me in a daze and I drifted through Christmas.

This year is very different.  This year I'm very aware of that special emptiness that can't be overlooked and there's no way to escape.  I tear up often but it's not really a sad time but very melancholy.  We travelled and lived in many states and a couple places in Germany, so celebrated Christmas in many places and in many ways.  These experiences leave me with many many wonderful memories of our family in various settings which I think about often and with great fondness.



Music seems to be the biggest trigger, but also some movies and just thinking about favorite foods or particular people or places.  Things will just pop into my head and bring about an inner warmth and momentary sadness.  For those that have lost a longtime spouse, that special feeling renews their love, reinforces their purpose, and serves to strengthen.

I desperately miss my Donald but I know he would want me to live life to the fullest.  He was a grounded, loving man with a generous heart and a loyal spirit.  I hope I'm making him proud.

Holy Father, we praise you for sharing your Son with us and for the many blessings you bestow on us throughout our lives.  Amen.

*the top photo is in Garmisch, Germany, at the foot of the German Alps, which was about 90 minutes south of our home in Augsberg.  the lower photo is a typical German Christmas market that is usually in the city square and full of goodies.

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Our Basic Freedom

Through the years, there have been extensive discussions regarding political, economic, and social situations and needs and laws.  I have always maintained that the very core of our being is the fact that, in the U.S.A., we have the basic freedom of making our own choices.

Each year we are throwing hundreds of billions of dollars at the low income neighborhoods and schools, at the minimally employed in big cities and small.  It also seems that every year we, as a nation, wonder why more funding is needed and situations don't improve. 

“It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”Joanne Kathleen Rowling


The following is a great perspective on "choices".
__

"We are responsible for our choices, not G-d. He gave us the freedom of will to make choices; in fact, making those choices is what life is all about. When the Bible speaks of creating Man in G-d's image, Jewish commentators write that this image is the freedom to choose.

Just as He can choose without restriction, we have a partial ability to choose. We are influenced by nature and nurture — but not determined by them. We become greater or lesser — closer to G-d or more distant from him — through a constant process of making choices, small and large, every day of our lives. Blaming Him for our poor choices is an assault on Him, a turning of His gift to us into an excuse to mess up.

A concomitant of this gift is the existence of much evil that is of human manufacture. We would not have much freedom to choose if every time we were prepared to make a bad or evil choice, G-d would strike us down with a bolt of lightning.

To give us freedom, G-d often has to restrict Himself to being a Judge after the fact, rather than a Divine Intercessor. We can choose evil, and He does not interfere.

Somehow, restricting our free will would do even greater harm to our autonomy as human beings, i.e. our entire purpose in living our lives. Our choices, post facto, should never be confused with G-d's plan.

Hopefully, George Zimmerman's words to Sean Hannity represented nothing more than a slip at the moment. If he really believed that he could take refuge in G-d's plan, he committed a crime against humanity.

His own."
 

(Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerstein is the Director of Interfaith Affairs for the Simon Wiesenthal Center in Los Angeles.)

 
Lord, we thank you for our freedoms and for the ability to reason. We love you for always staying at our side even when we don't use our ability to reason in a productive manner.  Amen.

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Spiritual vs Religious

Whether secular or non-secular there are terms used in the spiritual world and the religious world that will always bring a frown of doubt.  There are many questions that arise on several levels but I will try to convey the basic simple ones.  I don't have the expertise to get very deep into the issues and, frankly, I don't even care to get into it that much.

Spiritual - Religious
When speaking of a spiritual being, a spiritual feeling, a spiritual experience does that infer connotations of mysticism or para-normal senses or Asian-inspired religiosity?  On any given day we can turn on a tv program that searches for ghosts, centers on seances, emphasizes the spirituality of feng shui , etc.  So does that mean that spiritual is mystical or para-normal.  The secular world would have us believe that being spiritual has nothing to do with our religion and our relationship with God.  They would rather we bought into the subtle hints that to be spiritual is to be silly, uninformed and gullible.  How sad.

To be referred to as a 'religious leader' should garner respect from most corners of society. But does it?  In today's secular dominated world it's almost a slur, it's someone to scoff at and not take seriously.  Have we been indoctrinated to feel that the word religious really means bible-thumping, holier-than-thou preaching, or dull & staid living?  I mean, you can't be religious AND have fun!
Can you follow and practice a religion without being religious?  And...to be a religious person does that mean you have to walk around quoting the Bible or the Koran? 


Our religion molds who we are at each stage of our life.  For the secularist it's all about 'if it feels good, do it' and 'don't worry, be happy' and the end game is just the end.  But, for the religious it's all about 'do unto others...' and 'be still and know that I am God' and the end game is entering the Kingdom of the Lord.  One gives no hope for the future and one gives great positive hope of things to come.

Father we know of your love for us and your presence at our side.  Through you we will be strong and courageous and, in your name we will stand tall and proclaim our devotion.  Amen.

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Another Double Standard

In recent months I have asked various family and friends their perception of some particular restaurants and the decor they see when going there to eat.  Most of the answers were basically the same which brings up a 'plethora' (I love that word) of additional questions.

This is the basic question that I have asked:
>When going to a Chinese, Thai, or Vietnamese restaurant what is your reaction to the statue of Buddha that is often placed somewhere in the customer area?
>If you go to an Indian restaurant for some curry, do the Hindu symbols bother you in any way?
>Should you happen to pick a Lebanese or Moroccan restaurant for dinner, does the crescent moon symbol on your menu, tableware, and behind the cash register offend you in any way?

Asia is predominately Buddhist, with a smattering of other religions thrown in the mix.  They are not suppose to consume alcohol and although they are allowed to eat fish and meat, they tend to be vegetarians.  This is a religion that teaches peace and self awareness.


In India the cow is sacred.  Although the Hindu laws vary by region and sect they generally don't eat beef and usually not pork and a large part of their diet includes vegetables.  Hindu is a religion of many gods, each with it's own purpose and meaning.  Hinduism, also is a religion that promotes a peaceful presence and acceptance.


The Muslim religious symbol is the crescent moon that most of us can easily recognize.  This is a religion that has many dietary laws that includes no alcohol beverage and not eating pork.  The Muslims worship Allah and the profit Muhammad.  This is a religion that promotes forced conversion and sacrifice.  This is the largest single religion in the world.



The Star of David and color of medium or royal blue are two symbols that are familiar worldwide for the Jewish religion, the oldest of the major religions.  There are numerous dietary laws in the Jewish religion, but the key is that all foods are to be 'kosher'.  The Jewish religion follows the one God, Jehovah, and teaches peace, accountability, and sharing.




An off-shoot of the Jewish religion, the Christian symbol is a cross which they use to indicate that they are followers of Jesus Christ.  There are many subgroups but generally there are no dietary laws.
While the old covenant of the Bible is dedicated to the Jews, the new covenant is dedicated to the gentiles.  Christianity promotes peace, understanding, and individual choices and is the second larges religion in the world.

While I realize the above is a very very short snapshot of the major religions, why is it that this is the only religion that is frowned upon when placing their symbol in public?   The people I asked about this gave this answer, one way or another:
a. The cross denotes religion while the other symbols are more decoration.
b. The cross and star of david are for a religion but the others are for a culture.

Huh?!?!?!?!   This demonstrates just how much we need to pray for the lost souls and koolaid drinkers.

Lord, we thank you for all you have done for us and given us.  We pray that those lost and not sure just how to come to you will know that you already know their heart and all they need do is recognize your presence in their life.   Amen.
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The End of a Stressful Year

This has been the worst year of my life.  Last winter I watched my darling Donald deteriorate and wither away to a mere shell of the strong active man that I was married to for 46 years.  Although he had been suffering for a few years, the actual decline didn't become so blatantly obvious until the summer of 2010.

Last winter Don was placed on hospice care and the nurses and therapists were so very caring and gentle.  One member of the team was here each day to assess his status, give a neck and back massage, help him to bath twice a week, or just visit to find out if he needed spiritual assistance.

Don passes the end of February 2012.  Two weeks later I had my annual CT scan to check my liver since I had liver cancer in 2007.  That afternoon I received the call that every cancer survivor dreads to get.  My liver had a new, albeit small, tumor.  I spent the next 5 months seeing specialists, have procedures done, getting several lab tests to check the progress of the tumor and the procedures. 
Finally, on August 14th I had the surgery to remove the tumor.  Two weeks later I was back in the hospital for 7 days with severe vomitting and diarrhea, tests were done but no cause was found.   Three weeks later I was, once again, hospitalized due to vomitting and diarrhea but this time a positive result was received for C-diff intestinal bacterial infection.  Apparently, I had acquired the bacteria during my surgical hospitalization.

This left my exceedingly weak, no appetite with a 25 lb. weight loss.  I have been sent to PT for strengthening excercises and evaluation because my right leg was much weaker than my left leg.
At this point I am feeling much better, my strength is returning.  Sad to say, so is my appetite!!

I am sure that, for the rest of my life, there will not be a year with so much stress, so much crying, or so much emoional self-diagnosing.  This is the Christmas season and I am trying to not think about it any more than is necessary or I will be a blubbering mental case!

This blog may be one of the outlets that will help me to get on with my life.  My Don would insist that I work at moving forward and staying active.

Alone or Lonely?

Being a new widow is, of course, an experience that we want to never happen but is almost inevitable.
It wasn't a choice we made but rather it is something that happens without our consent or willingness.
I have a daily meditation book that was given to me by my daughter-in-law entitled, Days of Healing Days of Joy and is intended for the adult children that have lost a parent.  The messages in the book could and should be read by anyone that has lost someone very close whether a parent, a spouse, a child. 

In today's message it talks about loneliness and that it is up to each of us to open ourselves to the world and make sure that we are approachable.  That could be difficult for some of us, especially if we are natural introverts.  Being approachable is something that has always frightened me, it forces you to be open to dangers, hurts, generally unsafe and unsecured situations.  It can put you in a corner with no escape, it sets you in scenarios not of your choosing; scary, very scary to some of us.

I have gotten better through the years and can now attend functions alone, but only with the knowledge that I know at least 1 or 2 people that will be there.  The easiest is going to eat alone or going to the movie alone because you don't have to interact with anyone except employees and you're probably better off, safer, if you don't interact with anyone in those circumstances.


Being alone is far different from being lonely.  I have never felt lonely, forlorn.  I hope I don't ever start to feel lonely or forlorn, but if I do then I pray I will recognize it and take measures to handle it.  I have, however, felt extreme 'aloneness' twice in my lifetime.  The first was in 1967, Don was in Vietnam and I flew to Chicago to attend the wedding of his brother, Dick.  Don has a party-happy family and they all wanted to make me feel welcome and to have a good time.  But, at that reception of about 200 people. I had never felt so alone, so naked, so lost.  I wanted my Donald with me.

I have a loving family, some great friends, so feeling lonely isn't something I experience.  But, since Don passed on to be with God, I do have periods of feeling 'alone'.  Times when I know it would be so much more pleasant if Don were sitting next to me or walking beside me.  I have two cousins that are both over 60, have never been married or had a significant other, and have a happy wonderful life.  I believe that the loss of my soulmate doesn't make me lonely but will always leave me an occasional feeling of 'aloneness' and just a little sad that we couldn't go on to experience a few more adventures together.

Father, grant me the knowledge that "because He lives, I can face tomorrow, because He lives, all fear is gone".  Let me show your love and acceptance to those around me.  Amen.

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