How Do I Move On?

It's been about 2 1/2 years since my dear Donald passed away late one night.  Am I suppose to be over all the despair and sadness that started that night?  Should I now be a happy, forward-looking, positive widow that's enjoying her daily routines? 

For the past 18 months I've been joining other widows/widowers at a support group.  As a group we have many of the same concerns and feelings, while at the same time, we all have some different thoughts about where we are in our grieving process.  At our gatherings, we share and listen to longtime members that lost their loved one 8-10 yrs ago, and to new members that have recently lost someone.  All of our members are 'mature' people that have lost a spouse; there is one exception, a lady that lost her very special sister .

I enjoy being with all of these people, both women and men, because I can be just as upbeat and positive or as sad and heartbroken as I feel.  I am becoming friends with a couple of the widows, both are a few years younger than me, but we seem to get along well and understand each other.  Just recently one of them, Trish, joined me in trying our hand at playing bingo at the American Legion.  We had a good time, had some laughs.  But then, as we said goodbye, we looked at each other and knew that feeling of going home to a house without our loved one waiting for our return.

There's a dilemma that I don't know what to do about and just might bring it up at our next gathering.  I'm finding that all the music that I dearly love to listen to brings back so many sweet memories and makes me cry...sometimes just heart wrenching bawling.  Do I have to stop listening to music?  I'm crying while I type this.  I'm tired of crying.  I can't seem to move on. 

I don't really cook anymore other than veggies or grains, maybe a piece of meat in the oven now and then.  I don't clean my house very often; there's no reason, really.  I eat out once or twice a week, take myself to a movie once in awhile; haven't even been going to church but once or twice a month.  I read a lot, play computer games, watch TV in the evenings, take a walk a couple times a week.  I am keeping up with the laundry!  Whoopee!

It isn't just being alone...I want my Donald back!!! 

Now...after 15 minutes of hard crying, I realize that maybe I'm just now going through the anger part of grieving.  As these tears run down my cheek and I can barely see the monitor screen,  I'm wondering if I've ever really allowed myself to fully grieve.  Putting this down in black and white just might help, but I just don't know how to move on.  I know my health will suffer if I don't get a grip, but I'm tired of all this.

Looking For The Moon

This morning, at church, the pastor quoted a Japanese poem.  Of course he didn't give the name which is just as well, since I wouldn't be able to spell it.  There were just two lines and they are so very profound.

"The barn burned down,
Now I can see the moon."

I have not been able to get this out of my mind since I heard it many hours ago.  Through our lifetime, we all will have a barn burn down and, hopefully, only a very few. 



Have you had a 'barn' burn down?  A child that died? Loss of sight?  Cancer?  Devastating circumstances are hard to deal with at the time and hard to get through. 

I'm accepting that the interpretation is that the positive person, the person that accepts God's loving peace, will see that though the barn is gone, the moon is there for you to enjoy the wonderment of life.  This is also giving the answer that I am not that person.  I am still looking to see the moon behind the cloud cover. 

Since Don passed away 26 months ago, and since I don't see the moon, then I realize that I am either not cooperating or I'm just lost.  Surely if I recognize this dilemma I should be able to rectify the problem.  I will introduce this topic at the next support group get together to hope for some insight into what and how others deal with in this question. 

My barn burned down but I'm still wading through the debris.  My goal is to find the reason to look up at the moon.

Lord, I find that I am not fully trusting in your goodness and mercey.  Help me to know where to turn and how to move forward.  Amen.

~~~~~~~~~

Widow's Christmas

The support group I participate with always stresses the idea that each person grieves in their own way and at their own pace.  I do understand that and I absolutely agree with the theory of the thought and the reality of it, as well.  Many in our group are talking about their loved one that died 4, 6, 9 years ago, and their insight is actually very helpful.

When my Don died in February, 2012, my whole grief process was, practically speaking, put on hold because 3 weeks later I had my second cancer diagnosis.  The next several months were filled with tests, exams, procedures, and doctor's visits along with getting financial issues taken care following Don's passing.  The surgery was in August, followed by 3 more hospitalizations with C-Diff that left me extremely weak and anemic.  All of these 'happenings' actually left me in a daze and I drifted through Christmas.

This year is very different.  This year I'm very aware of that special emptiness that can't be overlooked and there's no way to escape.  I tear up often but it's not really a sad time but very melancholy.  We travelled and lived in many states and a couple places in Germany, so celebrated Christmas in many places and in many ways.  These experiences leave me with many many wonderful memories of our family in various settings which I think about often and with great fondness.



Music seems to be the biggest trigger, but also some movies and just thinking about favorite foods or particular people or places.  Things will just pop into my head and bring about an inner warmth and momentary sadness.  For those that have lost a longtime spouse, that special feeling renews their love, reinforces their purpose, and serves to strengthen.

I desperately miss my Donald but I know he would want me to live life to the fullest.  He was a grounded, loving man with a generous heart and a loyal spirit.  I hope I'm making him proud.

Holy Father, we praise you for sharing your Son with us and for the many blessings you bestow on us throughout our lives.  Amen.

*the top photo is in Garmisch, Germany, at the foot of the German Alps, which was about 90 minutes south of our home in Augsberg.  the lower photo is a typical German Christmas market that is usually in the city square and full of goodies.

~~~~~~~~~

Back On Track

   

For the past few months I have been in the process of selling a house, buying a house, moving and trying to get settled in a new environment and a new lifestyle/community.  Maybe now I can get back to journaling on line.  We, as humans, do tend to become bogged down with 'stuff' in our lives and not pay attention to some of the more or less important things that give us purpose.

Buying and selling a house, as a fairly new widow, was a learning experience that I really didn't enjoy and don't want to have to do again...ever.  I believe I've indicated, in the past, that I don't enjoy household paperwork or finances so believe it when I say that everything pertaining to the buying and selling processes of these two houses is currently in 2 piles!  At some point in the future I will get that sorted and organized but I find my inner self procrastinating on a daily basis.

There are a couple - or more - areas that still need unpacking and settling.

Also, I still need to do some rudimentary furniture shopping to start getting some idea of what I want and what I need.  While I realize there isn't a rush on this project I also realize that getting some of it done will help me feel more at "home" than just a visitor.  

                I can't continue to use temporary folding tables and I have no lamps.  I'm using the hallway lights or dining area light to be able to see in the living room!  Considering that we're going in to the holiday season, I don't want to mess with the crowds for furniture shopping. That's as good an excuse as I can come up with right now.

INCHES AND MILES

I recently found this quote:

"If we take care of the inches we will not have to worry about the miles."
...Hartley Coleridge

This quote speaks volumes to me for every corner of my life whether it is the battle to maintain a certain weight, learning to manage my life and house and finances, or figuring out how to live alone yet not be lonely.  My focus must remain on the inches and not on the far off miles.

Hmmm...easier said than done!  It sounds so very simple.  The year 2012 was not a good year but the happenings that made it all traumatic also cushioned the reaction to it all.  Now that I'm well into the year 2013, I'm realizing what the emptiness of losing my dear Donald truly feels like.  The Grief Support Group that I attend has explained to me that the 2nd yr of grieving is often more emotional than the first.  Losing a spouse after many decades of marriage tends to leave the surviving spouse with a subconscious feeling of "Lost In Space".  The realization that you are now facing life, and all it's good and bad, alone with no one to hug or lean on.

As I also learned at GSGroup, no one really understands this unless they have lost a spouse of many years.  We hear a lot of cliches' about our spouse being 'the other half of us' but when you lose this partner of many many years, you really do lose the other half of your existence.  Our love and devotion was an integral part of daily living.  We could give a glance, quirk the corner of our mouth, slightly raise an eyebrow, and know exactly what the other was thinking or feeling.  That kind of sharing, caring, and understanding is now gone.

In recent weeks I have found myself in the realization that I spend many hours of the week hiding from myself.  I really have no idea if this is a type of depression, but I can easily waste an entire day playing computer games simply because I don't want to force myself to do something useful or constructive.  This escape can't continue, I know that, and I know that it's a good thing that I'm coming to this conclusion.  Maybe it's healthy because I believe it's a sign that I'm not in a deep depression, I'm grieving.

Of the 7 stages of grieving, apparently I am in stage 4 which is about depression, reflection and emptiness.  So my inches are adding up and I WILL trudge onward not worrying about the miles.

Abba Father, your love and patience gives me the knowledge that Don is home with You and I am meant to look forward and enjoy my family, friends, and life.  Your presence gives me hope. Amen.


~~~~