How Do I Move On?

It's been about 2 1/2 years since my dear Donald passed away late one night.  Am I suppose to be over all the despair and sadness that started that night?  Should I now be a happy, forward-looking, positive widow that's enjoying her daily routines? 

For the past 18 months I've been joining other widows/widowers at a support group.  As a group we have many of the same concerns and feelings, while at the same time, we all have some different thoughts about where we are in our grieving process.  At our gatherings, we share and listen to longtime members that lost their loved one 8-10 yrs ago, and to new members that have recently lost someone.  All of our members are 'mature' people that have lost a spouse; there is one exception, a lady that lost her very special sister .

I enjoy being with all of these people, both women and men, because I can be just as upbeat and positive or as sad and heartbroken as I feel.  I am becoming friends with a couple of the widows, both are a few years younger than me, but we seem to get along well and understand each other.  Just recently one of them, Trish, joined me in trying our hand at playing bingo at the American Legion.  We had a good time, had some laughs.  But then, as we said goodbye, we looked at each other and knew that feeling of going home to a house without our loved one waiting for our return.

There's a dilemma that I don't know what to do about and just might bring it up at our next gathering.  I'm finding that all the music that I dearly love to listen to brings back so many sweet memories and makes me cry...sometimes just heart wrenching bawling.  Do I have to stop listening to music?  I'm crying while I type this.  I'm tired of crying.  I can't seem to move on. 

I don't really cook anymore other than veggies or grains, maybe a piece of meat in the oven now and then.  I don't clean my house very often; there's no reason, really.  I eat out once or twice a week, take myself to a movie once in awhile; haven't even been going to church but once or twice a month.  I read a lot, play computer games, watch TV in the evenings, take a walk a couple times a week.  I am keeping up with the laundry!  Whoopee!

It isn't just being alone...I want my Donald back!!! 

Now...after 15 minutes of hard crying, I realize that maybe I'm just now going through the anger part of grieving.  As these tears run down my cheek and I can barely see the monitor screen,  I'm wondering if I've ever really allowed myself to fully grieve.  Putting this down in black and white just might help, but I just don't know how to move on.  I know my health will suffer if I don't get a grip, but I'm tired of all this.